April fools and damages.

The months of the year are flying by but you know you’re still living life to the full when the ritual to start the month means putting fear into your nearest and dearest. For April 1st this year I was on the receiving end of an evil genius’s cool and expertly executed April Fools ploy that was only superseded by bags of pain. Still its April, along with the showers there's always likely to be a can of beans at the end of the rainbow.

Midway through the week and still getting used to the clocks set forwards at the weekend. I woke up to Radio One and the Chris Moyles show. Like any start of the month with an ‘R’ in the name, I forgot to perform the superstition of saying white rabbits 3 times. So some noticing of unfortunate events was bound to come my way, such is the way these things get in your head.

So after listening to Chris Moyles wind up the team with April Fools from 6.30am until I got up, you would think that this (like anything else I hear subliminally on a morning whilst semi conscious) would have been at the forefront of my thoughts. It wasn’t though because a busy schedule at work required me trying to psych myself up for the onslaught of to-do’s I had ahead of me. Well, that and day dreaming out of the window with my eyes still thinking they’re inches away from our comfy foam mattress.

I sat down at my desk as per normal, unlocked my draws, pulled out my notes and a pen and logged onto my machine. I got through my emails and had started to make some progress with the order of the day.... when all of a sudden I get a call out of the blue from Norn Girl that went a little something like this;

“...Hiya, now don’t be mad at me but, you know that house we were looking at, well I went to view it and yeah, they said if I signed the lease there and then they would waive the deposit, so yeah I did”

“uh...*silence*.........(at this point head is trying to work out a million things at once, trying to comprehend - one, that yes she probably would do that – two, we’d already decided not to, why the heck has she done that - 3 what the beep!)......”

Before I had chance to try and somehow make any sense I had made of this rather huge decision about our living accommodation, Norn Girl informs me that I am indeed a fool, and indeed that I was. I got so well had that I was more owned than a child from Malawi with Madonna in town. The delivery was perfect; Norn Girl really missed her calling in amateur dramatics. Going on that performance she wouldn’t be out of place as a member of the New Lyric down at the Opera house, can you volunteer people?

The days to follow have also had a few being had moments though these haven’t been due to my evil genius wife to be, no sadly these were not as much fun but just old women and their shopping bags.

3 times in 2 days, old ladies have literally inflicted pain on me quite randomly and came out of nowhere. Now don’t get me wrong, this is only a small percentage (hopefully!) of the older generation but some of the over 70’s have a small habit of total disregard for anyone else. Sometimes they’re riding those wee motorised buggies and sometimes it’s just a well lived person on foot defying the laws of physics by carrying more bags than a Tesco van.

Ok, so it might just be me and the problem might be my legs are slightly invisible or camouflaged. Also I do admire their independence at an age I probably won’t even obtain. However on these 3 recent occasions where I have been rammed by old ladies with bags containing numerous heavy and solid objects, not once did one acknowledge that I even existed.

Accidents happen and maybe not everyone’s special awareness is in tip top condition but surely no matter how old you are, if you were aware enough to be able to carry heavy objects and walk upright you’d notice when you:

1. Bumped a man, who if he had of been off balance would have ended up in a fridge.
2. Inflicted a blow to the Fibula that has caused said man on a stationary bus to stumble forwards as if a moderate Earthquake of 5 on the Richter scale had localised in the vicinity.
3. Has caused a person stood still to cease their ATM transaction to see if they’re being mugged by a dwarf gnawing at their leg.

Politeness maybe passed them by at some point or maybe they’re in a trance, but I wish they’d at least flinch or show some sign that I existed. After watching the lady just walk on after number 3 she continued to trail her bags around the back of my ankles and her arm was bending backwards to compensate the drag... what did she think was causing the resistance? Even when for some crazy reason I apologised, I still didn’t get even a glance and I was the one with the earphones in at the time.

I’m probably being a bit harsh but like these instances there are some ‘being hads’ that sadly don’t end in a laugh between the concerned parties and that’s a shame. Hopefully they got their bags home safely, but when it came to putting that tin of beans in the cupboard and they saw the bone shaped dint in the side of it. I do hope that they might reconsider the option for the future, to not be as oblivious to the world around them as an over desensitised I-Ploder .